Clara Cherishes Choice
It Grows, Shifts, Shrinks with Age
ajr_images photo -
Clara pushed her bike up the steep driveway. It was heavier than usual. She felt sluggish.
The warm sunshine was already beginning to overpower the nippy fall air. It was the start of pheasant season in 1953, and Clara’s dad and two older brothers, Pat and Ben, dashed here and there, getting ready for their first drive through the golden corn fields gracing the valley below the Clancy farmstead on the hillside.
Clara didn’t want to go with them, but she wasn't even asked to be a part of the annual ritual -- one of the few bonding activities the men of her family enjoyed outside of the long hours of every-day chores on the farm. She just wished she had the choice of saying, “no.” That would have established her person-hood.
The only girl in the family, Clara was lonely -- a heavy burden that she found herself carrying on an off-and-on basis as a 13-year-old who had many acquaintances in school and church but no close friends. And her mom -– no matter how understanding she tried to be -- was of little comfort.
It especially hurt when the "guys" in her own family discounted Clara in what were the "manly" things to do during the 1950s in rural Wisconsin.
Clara stopped pushing her bike, even though she was near the top of the driveway, hopped on the seat and aimlessly coasted down toward the open door of the hay barn. The bright sun momentarily blocked her vision, and her front wheel hit a small rock in the driveway. Her bike suddenly flipped.
She found herself laying in loose gravel under her bike. Tears clouded her eyes. She couldn't see, and she didn't care.
After quickly checking the superficial cuts on her hands, Clara looked through her tears in each direction to see if anyone had seen what had happened. No one.
She crawled from beneath her bike, picked it up and walked it over to the shade on the front lawn. She placed it against the thick trunk of an oak tree and sat down in the grass to nurse her wounds, feeling lucky to avoid serious injury.
It was then that Clara saw the new dent in the front wheel fender of her bike. But, she only gave it a passing thought. Both fenders on her bike were pocked from many years of riding on the farm, giving her the thrill of coasting down hills -- free and easy.
But then the time always came when pedaling would become too difficult and Clara would have no option but to hop off and start walking it up the next hill. The free rides were not really free.
Pat and Ben were off on their free rides. They had years of hard work on the farm ahead of them, she reasoned. They should enjoy today's hunt.
“Proactive people are agents of change and choose not to be victims, to be reactive, or to blame others.” - Stephen Covey
But that was not a reason for not having the option of joining them in the corn fields that fall day.
Even Pal, the family’s golden retriever, automatically became part of the affair. In fact, as a bird dog, Pal played a pivotal role in the annual fall hunt: finding and flushing birds. Pal had no choice. That was his role – commandeering the hunt in the field across the valley below.
Seven decades later, Clara still recalls the choices she had a chance to consider in her life and now realizes options – especially for a female – don’t often open up without asking and pressing for them. Free rides are few and far between.
She chose to leave farm life, go to college, get married and eventually work herself up to Chief Marketing Officer of the Minneapolis Grain Exchange (MGEX). Yes, she had learned to demand options and choose those most salient for the organization.
But, at 82, Clara now realizes she faces another irony about the power of choice. Self-managed choices fade and shift with age. The personal decisions that Clara confidently handled at 50 have gradually become issues she feels she needs to discuss with her adult children.
And that shift toward increased dependence again makes her uncomfortable, sad, insecure – and brings up memories of when she felt left out of pheasant hunting in 1953.
But she feels good about what her oldest daughter, Linda, helped her do as she approached her 77th birthday. Together, over a two-year stretch, they visited seven senior living facilities while Clara was doing just fine in her condo after Charlie (her husband) died.
They carefully posted details of each graduated-care community on a spreadsheet. Clara selected the one she thought made the most sense and offered the right kind of environment. It was the right time to give up the condo, take time to methodically downsize and make the strategic move for meeting her immediate and anticipated older-adult needs.
For the last three years, Clara has enjoyed using her recumbent trike to navigate the city bike tail next to her senior living community – one that has very few hills and valleys.
Clara’s takeaway tip from her story: Use the time you have now to proactively shape the landscape of your preferred fourth quarter of life.
Here’s to mature-adult living!
Jim Hasse, ABC, GCDF retired, author of “52 Shades of Graying”
Weekly Stories About Aging Well
Accolade: “I resonated with your story!" - Kathleen M.
How to use “My Latest Legacy Nugget” resources to share
your “52 Shades of Graying” comment with a family member or friend.
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - birthday
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - graduation day
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - holiday greeting
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - special day
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - wedding anniversary
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - wedding day
See all past issues of “52 Shades of Graying.”
See all past chats of “52 Shades of Levity.”
Check guidelines for your “52 Shades of Graying” Discussion Group.
Jim, my husband and I made the same choice as you and Pam. We continue to have a car, but seldom use it given the options we have at our Senior residence. And like you two, we feel we made the choice - the choice wasn't made for us. Thank you as always for your honing in on a specific topic that touches so many of your readers and listeners - including me.
In 2020, Pam, my wife, and I moved from Madison, WI, to a Minneapolis senior living community so we could be near family.
We also chose the location of our new home so we could be near the University of Minnesota campus in Minneapolis and the light rail system. We didn’t want to depend on our own car to get to doctors, dentists, chiropractors, pharmacies, libraries, sports, restaurants, concerts, theaters etc.
It was also important to have a grocery store next door.
In October 2023, we sold our car because we basically no longer need it to navigate everyday life. Our two mobility scooters work fine in accessing the light rail system that serves Minneapolis and St. Paul. We use light rail to reach our doctors, dentists etc. Our graduated-care community offers a free private-car ride service within five miles of our home. And, across the street, there’s a private (all electric) car-sharing service.
Choices usually open up when you look (and plan) for them.
* How have you been proactive in shaping your life as a mature adult?