Rose’s Solid Sidekick

Redefining Dependency

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“We just escaped from the old people’s home,” Cary whispered to the young gal holding the front entrance door to Mum’s Bakery as Rose slowly maneuvered her black walker across the threshold. “Don’t call the cops. We’ll go back.”

Cary and the waitress holding the door both chuckled with delight, but Rose was busy getting herself through the doorway and getting settled at the nearest table. She didn’t think it was all that funny.

Yes, it was a bit unusual to have someone with a walker gain access to Mum’s, a favorite student hangout at the edge of the University of Illinois Urbana – Champaign’s campus, but why make it an issue?

And, yes, Cary knew how to instantly relate to a co-ed finding it awkward to help, perhaps for the first time, an older woman with a walker through the front entrance. But, why joke about it? After all, Rose knew Cary had better judgment. Cary was helping her sort through her future living options now that she had rheumatoid arthritis.

“Aw, Mom,” Cary responded when Rose recalled the incident a couple of days later while both were in Rose’s kitchen. “What’s happened to your sense of humor? Remember the time when I was four and I pulled a blooper at the bank downtown? We laughed about that for years.”

Rose again recalled with amusement the time when she and Cary were in a line of people waiting for service in front of the bank teller. It was not the least stressful time for the family. Ted, her husband, was working long hours in HR for the state prison system. Rose had recently completed brain surgery and had a scar across the left side of her shaved head. She was also obviously pregnant. and two-year Josh was in her arms.

A kind man in back of them, in trying to make casual conversation, asked Cary, “And where does your daddy work?”   

“He’s in prison,” Cary replied curtly.

Remembering that story made Rose and Cary again chuckle. 

“But this is different …” Rose suddenly broke into what usually was a healing remembrance. “Let’s never repeat that crap about escaping a nursing home again. It’s so nasty. We’re both adults. I don’t want to reinforce stereotypes.”

“It was an off-handed joke, Mom. Just something light to make an uneasy situation for someone a little easier.”

“I don’t know about that. Maybe you have a future as a standup comic.”

Both broke into a grin.

"Mom," Cary said carefully, "I won’t use that comment again if you find it that hurtful.”

Rose glanced away and bit her lip before turning back with a determined expression. "I want to be an adult in your eyes, not your dependent child."

“Of course, you’re an adult! You've been through so much since Dad passed away. I just want to be helpful where I can be with this arthritis thing.”

“Honey, we’re both learning how to handle my new situation,” Rose admitted, feeling a weight lift off her chest that she didn't even know was there. She had not lost her ability to be her own best advocate in her family after all. And, instead, she had affirmed that she had a solid sidekick.

Rose’s takeaway tip from her story: Use your senior insight to advocate for your own best interest.