Rose’s Solid Sidekick
Redefining Dependency
Your hear-and-read option:
Listen to Rose’s story as you read it (below).
“We just escaped from the old people’s home,” Cary whispered to the young gal holding the front entrance door to Mum’s Bakery as Rose slowly maneuvered her black walker across the threshold. “Don’t call the cops. We’ll go back.”
Cary and the waitress holding the door both chuckled with delight, but Rose was busy getting herself through the doorway and getting settled at the nearest table. She didn’t think it was all that funny.
Yes, it was a bit unusual to have someone with a walker gain access to Mum’s, a favorite student hangout at the edge of the University of Illinois Urbana – Champaign’s campus, but why make it an issue?
And, yes, Cary knew how to instantly relate to a co-ed finding it awkward to help, perhaps for the first time, an older woman with a walker through the front entrance. But, why joke about it? After all, Rose knew Cary had better judgment. Cary was helping her sort through her future living options now that she had rheumatoid arthritis.
“Aw, Mom,” Cary responded when Rose recalled the incident a couple of days later while both were in Rose’s kitchen. “What’s happened to your sense of humor? Remember the time when I was four and I pulled a blooper at the bank downtown? We laughed about that for years.”
Check our chat about “Blooming as an Older Adult.”
Rose again recalled with amusement the time when she and Cary were in a line of people waiting for service in front of the bank teller.
It was not the least stressful time for the family. Ted, her husband, was working long hours in HR for the state prison system. Rose had recently completed brain surgery and had a scar across the left side of her shaved head. She was also obviously pregnant. and two-year Josh was in her arms.
A kind man in back of them, in trying to make casual conversation, asked Cary, “And where does your daddy work?”
“He’s in prison,” Cary replied curtly.
Remembering that story made Rose and Cary again chuckle.
“But this is different …” Rose suddenly broke into what usually was a healing remembrance. “Let’s never repeat that crap about escaping a nursing home again. It’s so nasty. We’re both adults. I don’t want to reinforce stereotypes.”
“It was an off-handed joke, Mom. Just something light to make an uneasy situation for someone a little easier.”
“I don’t know about that. Maybe you have a future as a standup comic.”
Both broke into a grin.
"Mom," Cary said carefully, "I won’t use that comment again if you find it that hurtful.”
Rose glanced away and bit her lip before turning back with a determined expression. "I want to be an adult in your eyes, not your dependent child."
“Of course, you’re an adult! You've been through so much since Dad passed away. I just want to be helpful where I can be with this arthritis thing.”
“Honey, we’re both learning how to handle my new situation,” Rose admitted, feeling a weight lift off her chest that she didn't even know was there. She had not lost her ability to be her own best advocate in her family after all. And, instead, she had affirmed that she had a solid sidekick.
Rose’s takeaway tip from her story: Use your senior insight to advocate for your own best interest.
Here’s to mature-adult living!
Jim Hasse, ABC, GCDF retired, author of “52 Shades of Graying”
Sharing our Insights Each Week as We Discover New Shades of Aging
Accolade: ”You’re exploring both ageism and ableism
in your stories — something I rarely see. Congrats.” - Josh H.
How to use “My Latest Legacy Nugget” resources to share
your “52 Shades of Graying” comment with a family member or friend.
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - birthday
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - graduation day
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - holiday greeting
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - special day
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - wedding anniversary
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - wedding day
See all past issues of “52 Shades of Graying.”
See all past chats of “52 Shades of Levity.”
Check guidelines for your “52 Shades of Graying” Discussion Group.
This story puts me in mind of a little incident this past Thursday. I was over at the local Fairview Pharmacy and an elderly couple --probably not much older than myself, though the years had not been easy on them -- was in front of me and taking a lot of the pharmacist's time. They were not married. The guy was just her friend there to help the woman purchase her prescriptions. He was struggling to explain everything to her and it wasn't easy. But he persisted gently and the pharmacist stayed with them. When they got done, they moved over to seat by the window and he went through it again with his lady friend. When I stepped up to the counter the pharmacist apologized for my wait. I said, and truly I did speak, "No problem at all. Watching two friends taking care of each other like that was more than worth the wait." That feeling is still with me.
In September 2011, I attended a “Dealing with Trauma” presentation that author and speaker Gary Karp, a wheelchair user, made to a group of graduate students who were studying to be physical therapists at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
That was more than a decade ago, but I’m still using Gary’s insight about how to help people define what disability means to them personally.
People in general are very adaptable and many times live effective lives, even with severe disabilities. As older adults going about everyday life with new limitations, we are all living proof of that bit of good news. I’m always surprised how friends, acquaintances and strangers will be genuinely grateful to me for simply being a living example of that good news.
If you are facing new limitations due to age, remember that does not make you “heroic” or “pathetic.” In dealing with your vulnerability, you probably fall somewhere in the middle of those two extremes: simply “effective” or “adaptive.” Shun “tragic” or “inspirational” as descriptors of your situation in life now that you can’t do some things you once could.
In my own case, as an individual with cerebral palsy, I learned that illustrating adaptability was one of my key opportunities. For example, I learned how to delegate authority early in my career to people reporting directly to me as well as to co-workers who could benefit from a little increased responsibility, visibility and recognition.
I took courses about how to delegate well and found that effective delegation not only strengthened my team but also demonstrated my people management skills to my superiors and coworkers, who became less reluctant to delegate effectively in their own jobs.
It was one of the key reasons I became a vice president for corporate communication for a growing organization, even though I walked and talked with difficulty.
* When have you advocated effectively for yourself as a mature but vulnerable adult?