Ray and Ruth’s Path to Growing Whole

A New Outlook on Life at 79

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At 75, Ray felt he was still in his prime, but he and his wife, Ruth, decided to sell their suburban home in Rochester, New York, and move into a new graduated care facility, which included a day care center and where they had easy access to the University of Rochester.

Not having a home to maintain would give both Ray and Ruth time – time for Ray to finish his novel about Vietnam and Ruth to further develop her Etsy.com business, featuring personalized books for children under five.

But, two weeks after their move to senior living, Ray had a stroke, leaving his left leg weak – weak enough so he now needed a walker.

It was not the retirement he had envisioned just 10 years earlier. The rehab work and the grief about his loss of mobility gobbled up his time.

The other thing that gave him grief was the loss of his confident, bellowing voice. He was once a somewhat popular lecturer about creative writing. But now his speech had become sloppy, sometimes not understandable by others and even Ruth.

Now he often felt lonely and alone, even with Ruth by his side, and longed for the robust conversations they would have with friends in their home on Saturday nights.

Alone and lonely. Was that the final chapter in Ray's life story?

During the first couple of weeks in his rehab work, Ray preferred to have dinner with Ruth in their apartment instead of joining his fellow residents downstairs in the community dining room. He didn't want to visit with anyone.

But, one Wednesday night's menu featured pan-fried walleye pike. He couldn't resist walleye with wine and a white tablecloth.

That night the table conversation, to Ray's amusement, went something like this:

Chuck, describing the dinner plate placed in front of his wife, Mary, who is visually impaired: "Your walleye is at 12 o'clock and your rice is at 6:00, dear ..."

Ann, muttering to herself: "My fish could use a little salt ..."

Betty, announcing loudly: "Oh, I thought you said you were assaulted. I thought, Oh, my ... but then I wouldn't mind ..."

Entire group bursts into laughter as Betty passes the salt to Ann and admits, more quietly, that she left her hearing aid back in her apartment.

Kate, exclaiming: "I don't understand why Medicare doesn't cover hearing aids. I'm thinking I need them, too. ..."

Chuck: "It's because it's a lucrative, private market. At least, that's what the senator from California says. What's her name?"

Ann: "Oh, I know who you mean ..."

Kate: "Can't think of it. Always on MSNBC ..."

Ray: "Maxine Waters?"

Betty: "What?

Ruth: "Maxine Waters?"

Kate: "That's it. Maxine Waters. She's always saying how screwed up our health insurance is. It's one of the reasons why my husband and I never divorced. He had a good government job in DC and has better health insurance than I ever had. We've been separated for years. He has a live-in girlfriend, but I have his insurance!"

Clara, laughing: "That's why Rich and I never married. Money. Taxes. We're just buddies ..."

Betty: "Best buds are sometimes the most. I met this guy at Berkeley during the 60s. We explored California in his MG ..."

Chuckles from the group.

Ray: "So you were a 'flower child' in the '60s?"

Betty: "A what?"

Ruth: "Flower child. You know ... 'If you're going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair' ..."

Betty: "I guess so ..."

Entire group again bursts into laughter.

Ann: "You know what's funny: Each one of us is finding a way to help each other in the little ways we need help. We're interpreters for each other when clarification is needed. You don't often find that in the real world ..."

For weeks after, Ray thought about that night with the walleye pike and the group of strangers who soon became his family, who allowed him the freedom to be who he was: a guy with walking and speaking challenges that didn't define who he was or could become. He had found a community in which he was free to shape the next chapter in his life.

That feeling of freedom also gave him the opportunity to switch gears in his writing. And he realized he was now a better listener than a speaker.

Now, a year later, Ray has published his latest paperback, "FREE TO BE: 50 Tips for Growing Whole (Not Old) in Senior Living Communities."

Ruth has established herself as a volunteer reader for the three-year-old children in the day care center of their community – sometimes reading the same personalized books she is selling online.

And they both are quietly enjoying the stories they are hearing from their fellow residents about how to avoid taxes, reduce rental payments and make the most of health insurance coverage through creative living arrangements.

Here’s to mature-adult living!

Jim Hasse, ABC, GCDF retired, author of “52 Shades of Graying”
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