Bertha and Her "Helper"
A Vital Partner
Your hear-and-read option:
Listen to Bertha’s story as you read it (below).
Bertha adjusted her glasses, a familiar gesture that usually preceded a thoughtful observation. This time, her gaze rested on Bonita, who was expertly fluffing the pillows on Bertha’s recliner.
Bonita’s presence had become as comforting and essential as her morning cup of tea.
It had started with the agency, a revolving door of well-meaning but often distracted caregivers. Then came the private arrangement at her daughter Sharon’s home – a welcome upgrade.
But the real shift occurred when Bertha decided that moving to Meadow Brook, an assisted living community, was the right move. It simplified things, allowing her to pay Bonita directly, even providing her with the apartment next door. A perfect solution – or so Bertha had thought.
The staff at Meadow Brook, while kind, consistently referred to Bonita as “Bertha’s caregiver.” It wasn’t malicious, just … automatic. Bertha, a retired social worker with a keen eye for social dynamics, noticed the subtle difference in how Bonita was treated – a little less eye contact during group activities, a tendency to direct questions about Bertha’s well-being solely to Bonita.
It rankled Bertha. Bonita was more than just someone who helped her with her buttons and medications; she was a companion, a friend.
One afternoon, during the weekly resident social hour, Harriette asked Bonita, "And how is Bertha feeling today, dear?" before even acknowledging Bonita directly. Bertha watched Bonita’s polite but slightly strained smile.
That was it. Bertha had an idea.
The next day, when introducing Bonita to Tom, a new resident, in the hallway, Bertha beamed. "Tom, I'd like you to meet my neighbor, Bonita. She lives right next door!"
The effect was immediate, if subtle. Tom’s gaze shifted, meeting Bonita’s eyes with a nod of neighborly acknowledgment. Bonita’s smile reached her eyes this time.
From then on, Bertha made it a point to consistently refer to Bonita as her neighbor. "Bonita and I are just popping down to the dining hall, aren't we, neighbor?" she'd say to anyone within earshot. Or, "My neighbor, Bonita, has been telling me all about her lovely garden."
Slowly, almost imperceptibly, the dynamic began to shift. Staff members started including Bonita in casual conversations. Other residents asked Bonita about her day, her interests, her experiences. The label of "neighbor" had subtly elevated Bonita’s status within the community. She wasn't just “help.” She was part of the community’s colorful fabric.
Bertha even noticed other residents, perhaps subconsciously influenced, starting to refer to their caregivers as “helpers” or “friends” or “care partners” more often than just “caregivers.” It was a small ripple effect, but Bertha felt a quiet satisfaction.
One evening, Bonita sat with Bertha on the small balcony overlooking the community garden. "You know," Bonita said softly, "calling me your neighbor: it makes a difference. I feel … more seen."
Bertha patted Bonita’s hand. "You are seen, dear. And you deserve to be. We all do."
Their conversations often drifted to the other caregivers in the community. They worked tirelessly, often for modest pay and little recognition beyond their “traditional” role.
Bertha, with Bonita’s firsthand insights, began to formulate ideas. Perhaps a residents' committee to advocate for better compensation and more respect for care partners? Maybe informal gatherings where residents and their "neighbors" could socialize on an equal footing?
The label of "neighbor" had been a simple start, a way to nudge perceptions within their little world. But Bertha, with Bonita by her side, knew it could be the first step toward something bigger – a broader recognition that those who provide care are not just employees but vital partners, deserving of respect, fair compensation, and simple dignity.
The annoyance of a good example, Bertha mused, can sometimes be a powerful catalyst for change.
Also hear and read Bertha’s “parent story” from 2024
Go to “Archie’s Annoying Example“
Age: Our Greatest Asset!
Jim Hasse, ABC, GCDF retired, author of “52 Shades of Graying”
Weekly Stories About Aging Well
Stories about addressing ageism.
Stories about handling ableism.
Stories about thriving during the second half of life.
Accolade: “Love reading your stories. You never disappoint.” - Mary K.
How to use “My Latest Legacy Nugget” resources to share
your “52 Shades of Graying” comment with a family member or friend.
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - birthday
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - graduation day
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - holiday greeting
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - special day
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - wedding anniversary
Template for “My Latest Legacy Nugget” note - wedding day
See all past issues of “52 Shades of Graying.”
See all past chats of “52 Shades of Levity.”
Check guidelines for your “52 Shades of Graying” Discussion Group.
I’m pleasantly surprised that many home care agencies use comprehensive questionnaires for both clients and caregivers to gather information about their personalities, preferences, and interests.
This information is then used, often with a blend of "art and science" (data and intuition), to make the most suitable matches.
The goal is to create a meaningful bond that goes beyond just performing tasks, leading to a more holistic and satisfying care experience.
Some 50 years ago, the HR people at my employer discouraged me from using instruments such as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator in building my team of people in the corporate communication department.
That hesitation gradually changed, but I had quietly used questionnaires all along. That helped me build an effective team.
Today, as a member of The Pillars of Prospect Park senior living community, Minneapolis, I see some terrific matches between caregiver and care receiver. The evidence: giggles and outright laughter at the most unexpected moments.
* When have you seen a care receiver and a caregiver create a partnership that is unusually beneficial for both?